Anyone that knows me well knows that I am big fan of GRACE (God's undeserved, unearned, unmerrited favor). I'm hoping to shed light on why this word literally turned my world upside down in a totally awesome way! Now, I am not a stranger to the word 'grace' at all (or so I thought). Since I was a little girl I have known who Jesus is and that He died for my sin and that I now get to go to heaven someday instead of hell because of grace, yeah! However, my understanding of the word and what it meant for me in my EVERYDAY life here and NOW was not really clear.
A little over 2 years ago, just before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Lily, I was struck with fear, and anxiety, and depression. "What is this?! Where did this come from?!" I would wake up every morning with a heavy cloud over me not knowing how to get rid of it or why it was there or how I could even get up and face the day, but I did of course get up and face the day, I am a mom, and kids don't let you take vacations. I felt absent though, going through the motions with the kids, going to bed as early as I could and waking up as late as they would let me...Mama WASN'T happy!
I did not want to tell my friends because I didn't want anyone's pity and I knew they couldn't really help me out of this funk anyway so why tell them? I did, however, break down and tell Avery about it and he was a rock, and that is just what I needed him to be. He prayed for me and with me frequently about it but other than that he gave me my space...and I'm so glad he did! I didn't need Avery at that point...I needed Jesus. I was at a VERY low point and I was on my face everyday asking God why?!! BEGGING Him to free me from this, wondering what I had done wrong to deserve it, wondering if it would ever go away or if I would just have to learn to live with it, I was pressing into God because it was all I could do. The things that Jesus showed me in those following months have liberated me and freed me from more than just fear, anxiety, and depression, but also from a life that I did not even realize was wearing me down BIG time...a life of trying to be a good girl for God, a life of never feeling like I was doing quite enough for Him, a life that I now know so clearly He never put on me.
It was over the following months that God began to untie the knots of wrong-thinking that I had about Him...He began to show me that He IS pleased with me RIGHT NOW because when He looks at me He does not see my sin but sees the perfect blood of His son, He does not see where I am 'not doing enough' but loves to watch me laugh and love and use the gifts He placed in me to enjoy. My right-standing with Him had nothing to do with MY righteousness but had everything to do with HIS righteousnes that He gave to me as a GIFT...you cannot EARN a gift...you can only RECEIVE a gift. I had received the gift of not going to hell many years ago, but I had not received the gift of living EVERYDAY here and NOW out of who I AM in Christ...not who I one day hope to be or achieve. That I get to live in constant fellowship with God, what a blast! I get to talk to Him at any second of the day and I don't have to ask forgiveness for all my wrong deeds before He will hear me...or ask forgivness for not praying enough before He will hear me, He is right there ALL the time and none of that stuff is between us anymore, because of Jesus, because of Grace! I can talk to Him in my own language, not try and sound 'holy' by choosing my words carefully, I can just pour out my heart and feel loved and accepted by this amazing God. I can expect good things TODAY because God is on MY side...I don't need to attain His favor, His favor is a free gift in Christ. I get to be with Him, enjoy Him, see myself in Him, serve Him WITHOUT fear or trying to 'earn' something from Him, it is all mine already in Christ...are you starting to see how it is ALL about JESUS!?!! The righteousness is His, and He chooses to give it to us as a gift if we will only receive. The glory is His and it will be forever, and one of the ways He chooses to display His glory is in my life and yours...HUGE BLESSING!!! He is writing our story and we are totally secure in HIM!
Whew! I could really write on this subject for hours because everytime I think I have grasped how good He is, how much is ours in Christ, He blows me away again and again and again with more wonderful truths of Himself. You see I am not even aware of when exactly my depression left, or when joy returned...I was just beholding more and more of Who Jesus is and in the light of Him the darkness could not stand. I was consumed with HIS beauty and no longer aware of MY ugly. I stopped being me centered, because if you are 'you' centered you will fall short and fail and be defeated EVERY time, and the enemy knows that...if you are Jesus centered you are secure, and victorious, and triumphant EVERY time...We are flimsy and unpredictable, He is the same forever.
It's funny, I can remember as a young girl asking Jesus to come into my heart at least half a dozen times because I knew that when He comes into your heart He gives you a "fresh start" a "clean slate" and even as a CHILD I knew my "slate" would keep getting dirty. As a teenager I was SO excited to be baptised because I knew how "dirty" I was and that when I went under the water it was like a bath and that I would come up "clean" ...and I think that I made it about 20 minutes before I had a wrong thought and was "dirty" again...I now know that I will NEVER EVER EVER be "dirty" again, not because I don't ever sin, but because the blood of Jesus has cleansed me from ALL sin...past, present, and future.
So what do I do with this freedom? Do I want to go out and sin my socks-off?!! Heck no! I am FREE, I don't think about ways to sin because I am too busy falling in love with my Jesus...even though I am sure I do sin, probably everyday, I have nothing more to say to sin because Jesus said it all. I get to LOVE Him I get to LOVE others, shoot I even get to love myself! All because that 'barrier' of sin has been removed. Sin is hurtful, it is a trap if you chase after it...I'm too busy chasing after Jesus, and when I do slip-up I know He is not shocked, I know He is right there with me, and this causes me to love Him even more...His love for me (and for you) is forever, He is no longer on one side and I am on the other side with my sin in between us. He has his arm around me and there is no place I'd rather be.
Romans 5:1-2
By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
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